2013

So, this is a new year. Lets start everything over. Its hard to believe that I just turned 16 and yet I will be 17 this year. I thought it would take forever... When did forever manage to get past me? Did I blink and miss it?

This is my future. That was my past. I can try everything I want for this year. I dont have much I want to try but what I do want to try will be a memory. Like maybe actually doing debate...
This is my clean slate. Everyone is forgiven. Including myself(but only somethings, with others I still havent healed.) We can all start over.
I want to say that this year will be a good year and I want to believe that but I guess we'll see how things go.
I love all of you in different ways. And some in ways that no one will ever understand but I want to thank you all for being my friend and just not getting sick of me for whatever I might be doing that is annoying.

And last, I want to agree. You do in fact have a childish perspective in that way. I however have you beat by just being childish in most ways. :) Especially when I'm sick. You know what i'm talking about. Its awful.
And now because I'm confused about everything and been asked if i need to go to the hospital... I'm going to bed. I will see you all soon. Hopefullly.

Die for me... No wait, dont!

So, i've been reading a book off and on for  about 7 hours straight. when  i'm not reading im crying... because of the book. Its bad...
such a good book. Makes me want to live in france... you know, have an immortal chivalrous andd yet sarcsstic boyfriend that spends three days a month dead. :/
Not really. I hvve 5 minutes before i pass out form medicine to make me sleep but i didnt  post yesterday. and yeahj/
so.
the book makes me sad and that has been consuming my life lately.
Bri, I have divbs on Vincent too. ;) I'd let you have him but your probably busy with your fictional character taht will only go to your funeral if there is cake....
Love you girl
lets talk about someone else! i ahve three minutes.
idk... who...
hmmmm. I WANT FOOD!!!!!
sorry. I had to put that out there. Along with tehre fact that i love my fuzzy pants... :)
night. i think. mornigng.... one of those.

What now?

I dont know what to say to you guys who read my blog. I struggle with coming up with my posts a lot of the time. I could talk to any of you face to face... but here i am speachless. Which is really new for me. I always have something to say. So give me a moment and I'll post something intresting.

I think I'll just let you all get to know me a little better.

"Here I am, in color, no lust or glamour or gold, I hope you remember, me dressed in shadows black and white, to flatter, the faulted soul, you never witnessed, me unfold..." ~ If I never wake again by Picture Me Broken.

I love that part of the song. There is a lot of meaning there and it reminds me of myself. I'm about as complex as those lyrics.

I like symbolism. What do you like?

Balloons, Knives and Sword Fights

So around 1-2:30 this morning. Yeah, thats super early. I was trying to finish an Orca Whale puzzle. And my dad decides to start doing Arnold Schwartnegger impressions. He could insert Arnold into any movie.
And that is where the craziness begins. :)
So we have him be a wookie and its just hilarious as he tries to be R2D2(He just went AAHHH! fterwards.)
So he had now figured out how to be inanimate objects. :)
Then my dad is walking around popping balloons... with  a knife. And I'm like ooo i wanna do it! So he gives  me the knife and i tell him to throw the balloon at me.
I flinched and almost stabbed myself in the leg with the knife not to mention the fact that i'm probably waking everyone up by screaming.
So it takes a few tries but i manage to kill the balloon. :)
Next is the tubes that the wrapping paper comes on. My father and I were having a swordfight. THat was probably the stupidest thing i could have done.
We manaaged to kill the tubes and i ended up throwing the pieces at my father. I missed everytime. Lets just say point blank isnt close enough. :)
And then i was alll hyperventilating and stuff.... But dont worry. I only hurt my nail thouughout aalll of this.

Wal-Mart

So, earlier tonight i went to Wal-Mart with my dad, sisters and friend Em. And people at wal-mart(mordor) look at you weird when you try to have a sword fight with the swimming noodles. Or ask the employees if they have oranges in a different color.

People will look at you weird if you ask them what year it is and then freak out and yell "It worked!"

and you own father will look at you weird if you beg him to buy you bacon.

So, my advice is to find something better to do than be weirdos at wal-mart. Go follow your dreams and do what you want. Because you never know when your opportunities might end. 
So, now i am going to go eat my red velvet cake from my birthday party. After i unfreeze it.
WHO PUTS CAKE IN THE FREEZER?!?!?!? It obviously belongs in your tummy.

sadly i dont have any off brand sprite left....  I shouldnt go around drinking 2 liters of pop. then i wont have any to go with my cake... oooo
 bacon might go with cake... nope. just bacon. no one needs cake. :)

Quest for Hope (Something I wrote.)

Have you ever thought about the word hope? What is hope? I’ve lived in Paradise all my life. So I’ve never had to seriously hope for something. Paradise isn’t so perfect anymore though.

            There’s this sickness. It causes you to be fine one moment then go crazy the next. You don’t know what you’re doing. It’s terrifying. In stories I was told when I was little there was a gate that would free us from paradise. I hope those stories are right.

            Paradise is peaceful. My favorite place is a valley named Shayon. It’s a lush valley with bright green grass that has the glow of life. The valley is surrounded by weeping willow trees. And off to one side, there is a pool of crystalline water that reflects the stars all the time. I love the koi fish that live in the pool. A fun fact is that Shayon is always warm and smells like rain most of the time. My favorite smell.

            Shayon, the valley itself, has this beautiful shimmer about it. This shimmer starts right at the arching willow fronds that form the entrance. But it is because of the sickness I mentioned earlier that I must leave my home. I’m leaving… now.

            There see? I think to myself. The first step is always the hardest.

            I continue down an over grown path, through a forest I’ve only heard about in stories. And all I want to say is that the forest is dark. I will be walking and suddenly something will be in front of me. Or I’ll trip over something. I must be covered in bruises now. I’ve been walking for what seems like forever.

            At some point after I left I arrive in a clearing. It’s still dark but there is a hazy sort of light. The light dapples the pine needle covered forest floor, muffling my footsteps.

             There is a small wooden shed in this clearing. Half of the door is still on its hinges and the other half is probably long gone. I cautiously walk up to the shed and look inside.

            There are lots of spider webs and other paraphernalia from forest creatures. A small wooden box in the center of the floor catches my attention.

            I start to open the part of the door that is still there. The hinges creak, making me jump back and shriek in terror. I’ve never felt terror before. It’s a cold feeling. It almost makes me want to turn back. Almost.

             I calm myself down and open the partial door. I only cringe this time at the sound. I kneel in front of the little wooden box. I open the box slowly, waiting for something to jump out at me. Nothing does.

I find a small key made of some sort of dark metal. It looks like an elaborate skeleton key and it has a ring on the end so it could go on a string. I use a string to tie it around my neck. It might be useful, who knows?

As I continue walking the trees start to thin out. It slowly gets lighter. But it is a muted light. I can now see the dirt path on which I traverse.

I stumble onto a giant circular slab of stone that is surrounded by stone pillars. There is a stone podium in the center and the floor is inscribed with strange symbols. Though, the thing that seems to be calling me is the tarnished silver chalice on the podium.

I walk up to the podium and notice that there are red and black gems set in the metal. A silver smith must have hand crafted the twisting vines that cover the chalice.  Inside the chalice is a gold ethereal looking liquid.

I lift the chalice to my lips before I can even think about it. The gold liquid is thick and warm. It has a metallic, tangy taste. I return the chalice to its podium. Whatever I drank makes me feel gross, like it was morally wrong to drink it. I start to get dizzy.

I get off the big circular stone and sit down by the entrance to a huge cave. After a while the dizziness goes away. At that point I get up and walk into the cave.

It’s cold, and dank, and dark. It’s evil. I can feel it. I don’t like it here. As I walk, the air goes from stale to moist. I scream when I step in a freezing cold puddle. Then I laugh at myself. Its just water.

Suddenly the cave is lit up by a hole in the ceiling. And I can see that it’s not just a puddle. It’s an entire underground lake with dark murky water that doesn’t move, even when a breeze ruffles my hair and the hem of my white knee length dress.

It sounds like people are talking on the other side of the lake. I have to go talk to them because they might know about the gate! I run into the murky water and gasp at how cold it is on my skin. It makes my lungs contract and my muscles tighten.

I start swimming. I’m not the best swimmer but I should be ok. The other side of the lake isn’t that far. After a little bit something solid touches my foot and I shriek as I’m dragged under the surface.

Under the water the voices are louder. I kick out at the thing I can’t see. My foot connects and I claw my way to the surface.

I continue swimming as I listen to the sound of myself gasping for air echo off the walls. And the voices. They are quiet again now. And I realize that the people were asking for help. They must have drowned. I shiver.

At the far bank, I pull myself out of the water. I sit on the bank and water runs from my clothes and hair. After a little bit, I notice a light up ahead. I walk toward the light.

The cave ends at a valley. It’s different from Shayon. Not as calming and there’s an animal lying by a log. As soon as I step foot in the valley the animal –a fluffy white dog with tawny spots- starts barking at me.

I freeze and hold my hands out to the dog. The dog sniffs me over then licks my hands. The dog lies down on its side and looks at me expectantly. I crouch down and the scratch doggie’s belly. He’s such a good boy!

The dog frolics around and just has fun being a dog while I sit and eat some sort of sour red berries. A little while later I get up and start to leave and the dog follows me playfully.

            “Do you want to come with me?” I ask the dog.

            He barks in response and plunges forward into the dead forest ahead of us. We come to a clearing where skeleton trees reach for the sky with invisible hands. In the center of the clearing a little girl is huddled with her knees against her chest, crying.

            “Can I help you?” I ask, slowly approaching the little girl.

            “I want my puppy.” The girl says, looking up. Her skin is so pale that I can see her blue veins. Her eyes are bloodshot and her hair is oily and stringy. Tiny black cracks cover her skin.

            I start to walk past her and some unseen force throws me back. I land on my back and look at the dull gray sky as I try to catch my breath.

            When I start to get up the little girl rises suddenly and starts chanting in another language. Strong winds blow dead leaves around the clearing. The wind whips my hair around and my skirt is getting a little high. The girl’s tattered dress never moves though.

            “Here,” I point to the dog, “You can have my dog.”

            The wind dies down and the girl walks over to the dog. She starts petting him. I start to walk away but I stop when the girl speaks, “Ahead is the Iron Gate, the rest of your life awaits, the choices you will make.”

            I run now. I’ve always been scared easily. Creepy messages are not something I want to stick around for, just saying.

            The dead forest ends abruptly in a wheat field. The wheat is taller than I am. The sky is dark with heavy rain clouds. There’s a small dirt path leading into the field.

            I finally make it to the Iron Gate. There’s a lock on it. The gates pattern matches the key I found earlier. I pull the key from my neck and unlock the gate.

            The gate swings open smoothly and I’m blinded by a bright light. Suddenly my entire body is burning and it feels like my skin is melting off my body.

            Blackness. Nothing…

Meteors

So, as my family is driving back from my sisters band concert Juju says, "A kid at school said the world is going to end after Christmas." So we all explained that that isn't true.

Dad states that there is a meteor shower going on and Juju starts screaming. We get her to quiet down and ask why she was screaming. She was scared of the meteors landing on our house. Or that a Me-Eater would eat her. :) I love this child.

So, we explain that meteors are shooting stars and that they are pretty. We drive over this hill and Juju starts screaming again. "THERES A METEOR!!! I FOUND ONE!!!! LOOK!!!"

She saw Christmas lights. And we're all laughing too hard to explain and then she's like, "What if Bigfoot tries to eat me?"

So, we explain that Bigfoot isnt going to eat her. Its been a crazy week and I'm only on Tuesday. :)

WHY!?

Why do you think you are alone? You have me! I'm still here. And i'm being a patient little girl. That should count for something. Right?

Finals

I had my first speach and debate tournament, it was tons of fun and I didnt get lost. We went to Sacred Heart, which is somewhere past sedalia and knob noster.

I was really overwhelmed by the amount of people and the organized chaos. I actually got to do whatever I wanted. I like freedom. I ran around with my friend Jake( who was dressed as the doctor). I ended up playing cards and eating food.

So, apparantly you perform twice. Teacher never told us that. So, the first time i went to perform someone dropped in poetry and my room and letter changed.  I was freaking out, but someone finally explained and I performed.

I ate pizza and talked to a ton of girls as i waited for round two to start. Some girl said I was crazy because I wasnt nervous, but thats what theater does to you. I got round two over with alot faster than round one.

Me and B went and watched improv, which i wish i had done. It was hilarious. And then finals were posted and everyone mobbed the wall.... Really scary.

I made finals with my Original Works, which I never practiced. And Jake made finals with his (He wrote it on the way there.). I performed again. I didnt get a medal but i did good.

I was insanely tired by the time we were headed home and Jake was sitting with me on the bus so we could talk about doctor who. and we ended up talking about relationships. I never told him much but he understands. I fell asleep leaning on him until i had to put my heels on so i could go home.

I think this is a very good step. because I'm feeling better. I feel like i can talk to people and like its ok fo me to. So, speach and debate is good.

and I'm a journalist in one act at school. :)

Truth

I miss so many things. And they all have to do with you. You were my bestfreind, my boyfreind, my future. I miss your voice, your instrament playing (that was always so beautiful and at times annoyed the crap out of me when we were on the phone), I miss when we would talk for hours about anything, and how you could always put a smile on my face, I miss your eyes (they always told me how you felt.), I miss your attempts at singing, I miss you carrying me around the mall, I miss the good morning beautiful texts ( I dont remember the last time i was called beautiful and actually felt that way.), I miss knowing you were always there for me, I miss crying because I was so happy that i was talking to you, I miss your arms around me as I sang Phantom of the Opera songs at your house, I miss strawberries ( I dont eat them anymore because you gave me some one morning), I miss the way you smelled, I miss the time you were giving me a piggyback ride and was leaning against the railing of the bridge and I flipped out and was almost crying because I was so scared of heights, I miss the way you speak, I miss being slaphappy and playing 20 questions in the middle of the night (I'm aparantly edible.), I miss secretly watching you even when you're right next to me, I miss listening to your heartbeat, I miss you telling me to drink water (which is still disgusting), I miss reading you the stuff i write and knowing you were actually listening, I miss falling asleep to your voice and how sometimes i would wake up and you were still there, I miss the sound of you breathing, I miss how you fell asleep on the phone trying to put me to sleep one time (it was so cute.), And i could sit here forever listing everyithing i miss but the truth is, I miss everything. I miss all of you and every single part of your personality and essence.

Funny

I think I'll try being humorous at this point. Lets talk about random stuff now.

I was at my freinds house the otherday and we were talking about food. I asked if you could put pepper spray in pasta. And everyone just kinda looked at me and proceded to explain that no matter how big a bowl of pasta you put it in it will still burn. So, I guess thats off my list of stuff to try.

So, for spirit week at my school we were supposed to dress up as circus themed people. And on our float we had a tiger cage. The wierdest question that day was, "What color cage do you want?"  And it really just sounds like you are going to kidnap someone.

Awkward lunch conversations. Enough said. :)

The moment when you bring the boy that likes you out to meet your mom and she's throwing chocolate covered pretzels in your sisters mouth. My sister was in the backseat, which means she is throwing them all the way across the car. She offered to throw pretzels at him too. :) He had a funny look on his face. 

The moment when your walking down the hall talking in code. People also tend to stare at you if you have purple lipstick on. That is a completely normal thing. I think it was the fairy wing eyeliner... or the sparkly fake eyelashes. THOSE THINGS HURT!!!! :( You glue them to your skin and then rip them off. Its like fun and pretty torture. How does that make sense?

Free Time

Well, now that I have been so wonderfully released from my duties as a stage crew member I have a lot more free time. And that should be good.

But it isnt.

Because then I will think. So, hurry up readers theater and one act. :) Or speach and debate. Either really. Though I should probably at somepoint practice my piece.

I like looking at the stars. I dont get to do that very often. But I dont like to sit outside by myself. Stars are so beautiful. And different. Leaving us confused and awestruck, with their shining beauty. As they slowly melt into the sunrise. And the sky is dyed in fiery colors.

Nature is amazing. Like swans. Swans are cool. They only have one mate throughout their entire life, and if thier mate dies, they could die of a broken heart. I find that intresting. I have no idea why but stars always remind me of swans... :/