Sometimes

Sometimes you are sad, or lonely, or fall down, or feel like you stabbed yourself in the heart, or like you cant breathe, or maybe just dont want to eat. I understand this. Sometimes i'm lazy or determined, or happy, or crazy. But the truth is, I'm at least real.

I may be told that I can't do this or I'm a waste of space and air. But the people who say this dont realize what they are doing to the other persons mind. I refuse to believe what they tell me. I refuse because I know they could do better, if they tried at anything. They are like sheep with a hyena for a leader.

You are beautiful. You are worth it. You can do this and anything you want. You should cherish the life you have been given, because you never know when it will end. And destroying someone elses life isn't cherishing your own. Go look at the stars or would that be to girly? Get a hobby!

This is a cruel world, and yet it is so beautiful and fascinating. We have so many things we take for granted. Like our friends and parents. They do so much for you, and help you grow. Just remember to breathe.

A Broken Frame

A picture is worth a thousand words

but which words are meant to be heard?

you remember the time and place

details blur and fade

you watch her from a distance

rain falls and you're afraid to speak

in the rain she loves to walk and dance

all the colors of her life

turn to gray

as she stares at her broken frame

wishing to go back to that place

where rain hung in the air

she laughed and sang without a care

and now nothings there

the roses you gave her

dead in a vase still on the shelf

the key in her pocket

and your name in her locket... 

Dance in the Rain

Everyday we learn something new. We are an amazing race because we constantly change and learn from our mistakes. We struggle and laugh and cry and dance. A lot of people tend to want to hide from the storms life throws at us. I want to dance in the rain. I want to live my life to the fullest. And for now that means I'm kinda stuck with letters, and Facebook notes, and blog posts. But eventually, I hope I will get another chance. I understand if that isnt what you believe is best for you. And I completely respect the fact that you probably wouldnt even want to talk to me.

I want to feel like a normal girl. And that means stepping up and walking out the door. I need to grow up. Hiding wont help me at this point. I have a small social circle of freinds. I'm more into the entire 'do something fun' thing. I wanna see a movie! Or I wanna make my cousin carry back and forth between my house and my grandmas house (Which is a hilarious thing to do).

And then, there are other things I refuse. My friend Z. He asked me out. And I feel like a completely awful person for saying no. Because I can't do that to him. Or myself. I'm not ok enough yet to do anything through that door. He cried. I felt so bad. He wanted to take me to prom. And I told him no to that too. As much as I would love to wear a pretty dress and dance around... No. Because I can only think of one person I would go to prom with... Should've gone to prom with... And I want him to know, I am dancing in the rain... :)

Well, in reality...

What would you do if you could not fail? We all know this question right? And why do we ask it if there is no point to it. I mean, if i couldn't fail at anything, life would be easier, but i would never grow as a person. I think at that point the only logical thing worth doing is dying. You could at least start something new that way. Right?

Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is power. That's like an oxymoron right there isn't it? CONFLICTIONS!!! AAAHHHH!!! We have power if we know things, like surviving. Making a fire. Cooking food. But then with power comes the idea of a threat. AH! They could kill me! No. Ignorance on the other hand makes things easier to a point. They dont have to worry about much.

Which part of this is more true? Are they two different sides to the same coin?

I can relate to Bella Swan

Shes transfixed by edward... he loves her. she loves him. Happy story! Not really. Edward breaks up with her to keep her safe... It kills Bella. At first its so surreal. She doesnt believe it. She wanders off looking for him. And gets lost. She is finally found and she is depressed. Devastated. She doesnt know what to do and shes going through the motions.
I lost the most important person in my life. Not the exact same way. but quite similar. Depression and being lost come after the happy lovey part. I do everything i can now. just to get through each day. I fill my schedule up so much that i cry myself to sleep because i'm stressed and mentally exhausted.
other times... I feel ok. its rare. but it happens. like on stage. I am my character and not myself. i dont have to worry about anything, other than getting the fairy queens attention that is.
Every now and then, i forget and i laugh and actually mean it. sometimes, i feel like a normal teenage girl. sometimes, i feel like i have true freinds.
and othertimes, i avoid people because i remember. I fall down on the ground because i didnt realize i was holding my breath. i stay on the floor until i can breathe normally.
But i read your posts because i need to know that you are ok. or something close to ok. and you have your own box. i keep everything you ever gave me in that box. other than the teddy bear who sleeps on my bed and the hoodies. one is in my closet, and the other is hidden in one of my dresser drawers. these are the closest things i have to you. and they mean the world to me.

can we skip to the end of the new moon book? when they are back together?

In Response- All I Ask of You

(Raoul)
No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you

(Christine)
Say you'll love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summer time
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you

[Raoul]
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you

[Christine]
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me

[Raoul]
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you

[Christine]
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you

[Both]
Share each day with me, each night, each morning

[Christine]
Say you love me

This song is posted on here for you. because what it says is true. i meant every word i ever said to you. I still love you. I put this quote on a picture of us. The one were we are sitting at your piano....  Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime. I still mean it now.

Roses

Roses

are a sign of love

Roses

they are special to us

with their bright soft petals

they seduce us with their beauty

their elegance

their sweet fragrance

Roses

with their deep evergreen leaves

they entice us with their intricate-ness

their fragile look

their strong little leaves

Roses

with their murderous hidden thorns

that cut you open

and laugh as you bleed out

I have many roses

from years ago to only last month

i like to place them in a vase

on the shelf

so healthy and happy

and as days go by

they slowly wither, fall apart,

and die

Dead Roses

i remember how pretty you used to be

you silently weep over the side of the vase

wishing you could have been better

I see why roses are a sign of love

with so many complex feelings hidden

in the flower

Dead Roses

death has touched you

like it will me too

But Roses

you had your friends

I dont want to be

alone as i weep

my poor dead roses

Nervous

So, for the Midsummer Nights Dream play my school is doing. I'm a faerie. And i was so excited about it. until I saw my costume... First of all, NO WINGS! What kind of faerie has no wings? 
It's a longsleeved nude leotard.... and I have butterflies on mine. I also have to wear nude tights. and a dark green glittery tutu. So, from the audience, we look naked. Its really awkward.

So, on thursday, opening day, we all  get to wear our costumes during school! Yay! Cuz i totally want to walk around school wiht a butterfly painted on my face and feeling naked. Psych! And even better, I get to roll around on the set and jump on stuff.

Nervous. I've never really been nervous about getting up and doing something in front of complete strangers. I get nervous when I perform for people I know. I feel that their judgement is worth more. So, idk. I'm just really weird.

Two Sides to the Story

In the beggining

there is always hope

and you just never know

I met this boy                                                                          I met this girl

He's definately someone                                                         She is so different

He's handsome and a lot of fun                                       She's so alive and yet so quiet

I can't get him out of my head                                                 She's always in my head

We talked and slowly fell in love                                             I think I might be in love

He met my parents                                                                 She met my parents

that was fun, sort of                                                          They said she was beautiful

His friends dont like me                                                        My friends dont like her

We broke up

I miss his voice                                                                          I miss her laugh

his smell                                                                                   Her smile

How he would hold me                                                             How I used to hold her

Was I not good enough?                                                   Why did I listen to my friends?

I want him back                                                                        I want her back

We talked today

He said he was stupid to leave me                                     I explained how stupid I was

To listen to his friends                                                       I shouldnt listen to friends

He said                                                                           She didnt reply when i said 

He missed me                                                                          I missed her

I was scared he would hurt me again                                        She was sad

He asked me out again                                                          I promised I wouldnt

I told him                                                                                     Ever hurt her

I love you

Its been years                                                                             She is the best

We still love eachother                                                                       part of me

Our love always so clear                                               She shows me who she really is

He shows me that I do have a future worth living                 I still have so much to learn

I said                                                                                       Will you marry me?

I do

Driving.

I'm learning how to drive. Not because I want to, but because my parents want me to. I was driving earlier today and I was driving in circles. Easy right? NOT! There are invisible cars and I swear they are plotting against me. The first time I parked the car it was sort of maybe halfway in the yellow lines. Though I did manage to park twice inside the yellow lines! :)
I was drivng down hill and I hit one of the stupid invible cars and forgot where the break was.... I accidentally hit the gas.... my mom was like, "What the hell are you doing?"
I found the break. Dont worry. No injuries occured.
I was laughing though. I was so scared. but I did take some nice pictures of the car parked in the yellow lines. :)
I tripped when i was getting back into teh car and I told my mom. Then clarified that i didnt trip in the car. We have decided together that I'm not ready to drive with other cars.

Advice

I was given some of the best advice today. It was to be myself. So, I say to you. Be yourself. And that might sound cliche but it really isnt when you've been working so hard toward one thing for three days straight.
I've been taking a class with the Young Americans. And let me just say, they are AMAZING!
I'm a horrible dancer. I can act and sing but not dance. I've learned over 12 different songs and dances in the last two days. Spending hours working on them. And I want to say that I am proud of myself for doing so much when I truly thought I wouldnt be able to do half of what they were going to teach.
Now, back to the advice. When you are sitting on the floor after one of the most emotional dances you've ever done and you know it is perfect because of its imperfections... The best advice is to be yourself.
Its the Circle of Life from the Lion King. And we do this very raw and emotional dance that is so cool because the steps arent at all specific. You create the moves the way you want them. Because it is the story of your life. And when everyones dancing is so different and yet the same, those are the imperfections that make the dance so perfect and graceful and raw. And almost primal at times.
As humans we all have a different story and we are beautiful and perfect in our own way. We cant change who we are because we are still learning who that is. And we are always learning. We will never stop learning.