2013

So, this is a new year. Lets start everything over. Its hard to believe that I just turned 16 and yet I will be 17 this year. I thought it would take forever... When did forever manage to get past me? Did I blink and miss it?

This is my future. That was my past. I can try everything I want for this year. I dont have much I want to try but what I do want to try will be a memory. Like maybe actually doing debate...
This is my clean slate. Everyone is forgiven. Including myself(but only somethings, with others I still havent healed.) We can all start over.
I want to say that this year will be a good year and I want to believe that but I guess we'll see how things go.
I love all of you in different ways. And some in ways that no one will ever understand but I want to thank you all for being my friend and just not getting sick of me for whatever I might be doing that is annoying.

And last, I want to agree. You do in fact have a childish perspective in that way. I however have you beat by just being childish in most ways. :) Especially when I'm sick. You know what i'm talking about. Its awful.
And now because I'm confused about everything and been asked if i need to go to the hospital... I'm going to bed. I will see you all soon. Hopefullly.

Die for me... No wait, dont!

So, i've been reading a book off and on for  about 7 hours straight. when  i'm not reading im crying... because of the book. Its bad...
such a good book. Makes me want to live in france... you know, have an immortal chivalrous andd yet sarcsstic boyfriend that spends three days a month dead. :/
Not really. I hvve 5 minutes before i pass out form medicine to make me sleep but i didnt  post yesterday. and yeahj/
so.
the book makes me sad and that has been consuming my life lately.
Bri, I have divbs on Vincent too. ;) I'd let you have him but your probably busy with your fictional character taht will only go to your funeral if there is cake....
Love you girl
lets talk about someone else! i ahve three minutes.
idk... who...
hmmmm. I WANT FOOD!!!!!
sorry. I had to put that out there. Along with tehre fact that i love my fuzzy pants... :)
night. i think. mornigng.... one of those.

What now?

I dont know what to say to you guys who read my blog. I struggle with coming up with my posts a lot of the time. I could talk to any of you face to face... but here i am speachless. Which is really new for me. I always have something to say. So give me a moment and I'll post something intresting.

I think I'll just let you all get to know me a little better.

"Here I am, in color, no lust or glamour or gold, I hope you remember, me dressed in shadows black and white, to flatter, the faulted soul, you never witnessed, me unfold..." ~ If I never wake again by Picture Me Broken.

I love that part of the song. There is a lot of meaning there and it reminds me of myself. I'm about as complex as those lyrics.

I like symbolism. What do you like?

Balloons, Knives and Sword Fights

So around 1-2:30 this morning. Yeah, thats super early. I was trying to finish an Orca Whale puzzle. And my dad decides to start doing Arnold Schwartnegger impressions. He could insert Arnold into any movie.
And that is where the craziness begins. :)
So we have him be a wookie and its just hilarious as he tries to be R2D2(He just went AAHHH! fterwards.)
So he had now figured out how to be inanimate objects. :)
Then my dad is walking around popping balloons... with  a knife. And I'm like ooo i wanna do it! So he gives  me the knife and i tell him to throw the balloon at me.
I flinched and almost stabbed myself in the leg with the knife not to mention the fact that i'm probably waking everyone up by screaming.
So it takes a few tries but i manage to kill the balloon. :)
Next is the tubes that the wrapping paper comes on. My father and I were having a swordfight. THat was probably the stupidest thing i could have done.
We manaaged to kill the tubes and i ended up throwing the pieces at my father. I missed everytime. Lets just say point blank isnt close enough. :)
And then i was alll hyperventilating and stuff.... But dont worry. I only hurt my nail thouughout aalll of this.

Wal-Mart

So, earlier tonight i went to Wal-Mart with my dad, sisters and friend Em. And people at wal-mart(mordor) look at you weird when you try to have a sword fight with the swimming noodles. Or ask the employees if they have oranges in a different color.

People will look at you weird if you ask them what year it is and then freak out and yell "It worked!"

and you own father will look at you weird if you beg him to buy you bacon.

So, my advice is to find something better to do than be weirdos at wal-mart. Go follow your dreams and do what you want. Because you never know when your opportunities might end. 
So, now i am going to go eat my red velvet cake from my birthday party. After i unfreeze it.
WHO PUTS CAKE IN THE FREEZER?!?!?!? It obviously belongs in your tummy.

sadly i dont have any off brand sprite left....  I shouldnt go around drinking 2 liters of pop. then i wont have any to go with my cake... oooo
 bacon might go with cake... nope. just bacon. no one needs cake. :)

Quest for Hope (Something I wrote.)

Have you ever thought about the word hope? What is hope? I’ve lived in Paradise all my life. So I’ve never had to seriously hope for something. Paradise isn’t so perfect anymore though.

            There’s this sickness. It causes you to be fine one moment then go crazy the next. You don’t know what you’re doing. It’s terrifying. In stories I was told when I was little there was a gate that would free us from paradise. I hope those stories are right.

            Paradise is peaceful. My favorite place is a valley named Shayon. It’s a lush valley with bright green grass that has the glow of life. The valley is surrounded by weeping willow trees. And off to one side, there is a pool of crystalline water that reflects the stars all the time. I love the koi fish that live in the pool. A fun fact is that Shayon is always warm and smells like rain most of the time. My favorite smell.

            Shayon, the valley itself, has this beautiful shimmer about it. This shimmer starts right at the arching willow fronds that form the entrance. But it is because of the sickness I mentioned earlier that I must leave my home. I’m leaving… now.

            There see? I think to myself. The first step is always the hardest.

            I continue down an over grown path, through a forest I’ve only heard about in stories. And all I want to say is that the forest is dark. I will be walking and suddenly something will be in front of me. Or I’ll trip over something. I must be covered in bruises now. I’ve been walking for what seems like forever.

            At some point after I left I arrive in a clearing. It’s still dark but there is a hazy sort of light. The light dapples the pine needle covered forest floor, muffling my footsteps.

             There is a small wooden shed in this clearing. Half of the door is still on its hinges and the other half is probably long gone. I cautiously walk up to the shed and look inside.

            There are lots of spider webs and other paraphernalia from forest creatures. A small wooden box in the center of the floor catches my attention.

            I start to open the part of the door that is still there. The hinges creak, making me jump back and shriek in terror. I’ve never felt terror before. It’s a cold feeling. It almost makes me want to turn back. Almost.

             I calm myself down and open the partial door. I only cringe this time at the sound. I kneel in front of the little wooden box. I open the box slowly, waiting for something to jump out at me. Nothing does.

I find a small key made of some sort of dark metal. It looks like an elaborate skeleton key and it has a ring on the end so it could go on a string. I use a string to tie it around my neck. It might be useful, who knows?

As I continue walking the trees start to thin out. It slowly gets lighter. But it is a muted light. I can now see the dirt path on which I traverse.

I stumble onto a giant circular slab of stone that is surrounded by stone pillars. There is a stone podium in the center and the floor is inscribed with strange symbols. Though, the thing that seems to be calling me is the tarnished silver chalice on the podium.

I walk up to the podium and notice that there are red and black gems set in the metal. A silver smith must have hand crafted the twisting vines that cover the chalice.  Inside the chalice is a gold ethereal looking liquid.

I lift the chalice to my lips before I can even think about it. The gold liquid is thick and warm. It has a metallic, tangy taste. I return the chalice to its podium. Whatever I drank makes me feel gross, like it was morally wrong to drink it. I start to get dizzy.

I get off the big circular stone and sit down by the entrance to a huge cave. After a while the dizziness goes away. At that point I get up and walk into the cave.

It’s cold, and dank, and dark. It’s evil. I can feel it. I don’t like it here. As I walk, the air goes from stale to moist. I scream when I step in a freezing cold puddle. Then I laugh at myself. Its just water.

Suddenly the cave is lit up by a hole in the ceiling. And I can see that it’s not just a puddle. It’s an entire underground lake with dark murky water that doesn’t move, even when a breeze ruffles my hair and the hem of my white knee length dress.

It sounds like people are talking on the other side of the lake. I have to go talk to them because they might know about the gate! I run into the murky water and gasp at how cold it is on my skin. It makes my lungs contract and my muscles tighten.

I start swimming. I’m not the best swimmer but I should be ok. The other side of the lake isn’t that far. After a little bit something solid touches my foot and I shriek as I’m dragged under the surface.

Under the water the voices are louder. I kick out at the thing I can’t see. My foot connects and I claw my way to the surface.

I continue swimming as I listen to the sound of myself gasping for air echo off the walls. And the voices. They are quiet again now. And I realize that the people were asking for help. They must have drowned. I shiver.

At the far bank, I pull myself out of the water. I sit on the bank and water runs from my clothes and hair. After a little bit, I notice a light up ahead. I walk toward the light.

The cave ends at a valley. It’s different from Shayon. Not as calming and there’s an animal lying by a log. As soon as I step foot in the valley the animal –a fluffy white dog with tawny spots- starts barking at me.

I freeze and hold my hands out to the dog. The dog sniffs me over then licks my hands. The dog lies down on its side and looks at me expectantly. I crouch down and the scratch doggie’s belly. He’s such a good boy!

The dog frolics around and just has fun being a dog while I sit and eat some sort of sour red berries. A little while later I get up and start to leave and the dog follows me playfully.

            “Do you want to come with me?” I ask the dog.

            He barks in response and plunges forward into the dead forest ahead of us. We come to a clearing where skeleton trees reach for the sky with invisible hands. In the center of the clearing a little girl is huddled with her knees against her chest, crying.

            “Can I help you?” I ask, slowly approaching the little girl.

            “I want my puppy.” The girl says, looking up. Her skin is so pale that I can see her blue veins. Her eyes are bloodshot and her hair is oily and stringy. Tiny black cracks cover her skin.

            I start to walk past her and some unseen force throws me back. I land on my back and look at the dull gray sky as I try to catch my breath.

            When I start to get up the little girl rises suddenly and starts chanting in another language. Strong winds blow dead leaves around the clearing. The wind whips my hair around and my skirt is getting a little high. The girl’s tattered dress never moves though.

            “Here,” I point to the dog, “You can have my dog.”

            The wind dies down and the girl walks over to the dog. She starts petting him. I start to walk away but I stop when the girl speaks, “Ahead is the Iron Gate, the rest of your life awaits, the choices you will make.”

            I run now. I’ve always been scared easily. Creepy messages are not something I want to stick around for, just saying.

            The dead forest ends abruptly in a wheat field. The wheat is taller than I am. The sky is dark with heavy rain clouds. There’s a small dirt path leading into the field.

            I finally make it to the Iron Gate. There’s a lock on it. The gates pattern matches the key I found earlier. I pull the key from my neck and unlock the gate.

            The gate swings open smoothly and I’m blinded by a bright light. Suddenly my entire body is burning and it feels like my skin is melting off my body.

            Blackness. Nothing…

Meteors

So, as my family is driving back from my sisters band concert Juju says, "A kid at school said the world is going to end after Christmas." So we all explained that that isn't true.

Dad states that there is a meteor shower going on and Juju starts screaming. We get her to quiet down and ask why she was screaming. She was scared of the meteors landing on our house. Or that a Me-Eater would eat her. :) I love this child.

So, we explain that meteors are shooting stars and that they are pretty. We drive over this hill and Juju starts screaming again. "THERES A METEOR!!! I FOUND ONE!!!! LOOK!!!"

She saw Christmas lights. And we're all laughing too hard to explain and then she's like, "What if Bigfoot tries to eat me?"

So, we explain that Bigfoot isnt going to eat her. Its been a crazy week and I'm only on Tuesday. :)

WHY!?

Why do you think you are alone? You have me! I'm still here. And i'm being a patient little girl. That should count for something. Right?

Finals

I had my first speach and debate tournament, it was tons of fun and I didnt get lost. We went to Sacred Heart, which is somewhere past sedalia and knob noster.

I was really overwhelmed by the amount of people and the organized chaos. I actually got to do whatever I wanted. I like freedom. I ran around with my friend Jake( who was dressed as the doctor). I ended up playing cards and eating food.

So, apparantly you perform twice. Teacher never told us that. So, the first time i went to perform someone dropped in poetry and my room and letter changed.  I was freaking out, but someone finally explained and I performed.

I ate pizza and talked to a ton of girls as i waited for round two to start. Some girl said I was crazy because I wasnt nervous, but thats what theater does to you. I got round two over with alot faster than round one.

Me and B went and watched improv, which i wish i had done. It was hilarious. And then finals were posted and everyone mobbed the wall.... Really scary.

I made finals with my Original Works, which I never practiced. And Jake made finals with his (He wrote it on the way there.). I performed again. I didnt get a medal but i did good.

I was insanely tired by the time we were headed home and Jake was sitting with me on the bus so we could talk about doctor who. and we ended up talking about relationships. I never told him much but he understands. I fell asleep leaning on him until i had to put my heels on so i could go home.

I think this is a very good step. because I'm feeling better. I feel like i can talk to people and like its ok fo me to. So, speach and debate is good.

and I'm a journalist in one act at school. :)

Truth

I miss so many things. And they all have to do with you. You were my bestfreind, my boyfreind, my future. I miss your voice, your instrament playing (that was always so beautiful and at times annoyed the crap out of me when we were on the phone), I miss when we would talk for hours about anything, and how you could always put a smile on my face, I miss your eyes (they always told me how you felt.), I miss your attempts at singing, I miss you carrying me around the mall, I miss the good morning beautiful texts ( I dont remember the last time i was called beautiful and actually felt that way.), I miss knowing you were always there for me, I miss crying because I was so happy that i was talking to you, I miss your arms around me as I sang Phantom of the Opera songs at your house, I miss strawberries ( I dont eat them anymore because you gave me some one morning), I miss the way you smelled, I miss the time you were giving me a piggyback ride and was leaning against the railing of the bridge and I flipped out and was almost crying because I was so scared of heights, I miss the way you speak, I miss being slaphappy and playing 20 questions in the middle of the night (I'm aparantly edible.), I miss secretly watching you even when you're right next to me, I miss listening to your heartbeat, I miss you telling me to drink water (which is still disgusting), I miss reading you the stuff i write and knowing you were actually listening, I miss falling asleep to your voice and how sometimes i would wake up and you were still there, I miss the sound of you breathing, I miss how you fell asleep on the phone trying to put me to sleep one time (it was so cute.), And i could sit here forever listing everyithing i miss but the truth is, I miss everything. I miss all of you and every single part of your personality and essence.

Funny

I think I'll try being humorous at this point. Lets talk about random stuff now.

I was at my freinds house the otherday and we were talking about food. I asked if you could put pepper spray in pasta. And everyone just kinda looked at me and proceded to explain that no matter how big a bowl of pasta you put it in it will still burn. So, I guess thats off my list of stuff to try.

So, for spirit week at my school we were supposed to dress up as circus themed people. And on our float we had a tiger cage. The wierdest question that day was, "What color cage do you want?"  And it really just sounds like you are going to kidnap someone.

Awkward lunch conversations. Enough said. :)

The moment when you bring the boy that likes you out to meet your mom and she's throwing chocolate covered pretzels in your sisters mouth. My sister was in the backseat, which means she is throwing them all the way across the car. She offered to throw pretzels at him too. :) He had a funny look on his face. 

The moment when your walking down the hall talking in code. People also tend to stare at you if you have purple lipstick on. That is a completely normal thing. I think it was the fairy wing eyeliner... or the sparkly fake eyelashes. THOSE THINGS HURT!!!! :( You glue them to your skin and then rip them off. Its like fun and pretty torture. How does that make sense?

Free Time

Well, now that I have been so wonderfully released from my duties as a stage crew member I have a lot more free time. And that should be good.

But it isnt.

Because then I will think. So, hurry up readers theater and one act. :) Or speach and debate. Either really. Though I should probably at somepoint practice my piece.

I like looking at the stars. I dont get to do that very often. But I dont like to sit outside by myself. Stars are so beautiful. And different. Leaving us confused and awestruck, with their shining beauty. As they slowly melt into the sunrise. And the sky is dyed in fiery colors.

Nature is amazing. Like swans. Swans are cool. They only have one mate throughout their entire life, and if thier mate dies, they could die of a broken heart. I find that intresting. I have no idea why but stars always remind me of swans... :/

Sometimes

Sometimes you are sad, or lonely, or fall down, or feel like you stabbed yourself in the heart, or like you cant breathe, or maybe just dont want to eat. I understand this. Sometimes i'm lazy or determined, or happy, or crazy. But the truth is, I'm at least real.

I may be told that I can't do this or I'm a waste of space and air. But the people who say this dont realize what they are doing to the other persons mind. I refuse to believe what they tell me. I refuse because I know they could do better, if they tried at anything. They are like sheep with a hyena for a leader.

You are beautiful. You are worth it. You can do this and anything you want. You should cherish the life you have been given, because you never know when it will end. And destroying someone elses life isn't cherishing your own. Go look at the stars or would that be to girly? Get a hobby!

This is a cruel world, and yet it is so beautiful and fascinating. We have so many things we take for granted. Like our friends and parents. They do so much for you, and help you grow. Just remember to breathe.

A Broken Frame

A picture is worth a thousand words

but which words are meant to be heard?

you remember the time and place

details blur and fade

you watch her from a distance

rain falls and you're afraid to speak

in the rain she loves to walk and dance

all the colors of her life

turn to gray

as she stares at her broken frame

wishing to go back to that place

where rain hung in the air

she laughed and sang without a care

and now nothings there

the roses you gave her

dead in a vase still on the shelf

the key in her pocket

and your name in her locket... 

Dance in the Rain

Everyday we learn something new. We are an amazing race because we constantly change and learn from our mistakes. We struggle and laugh and cry and dance. A lot of people tend to want to hide from the storms life throws at us. I want to dance in the rain. I want to live my life to the fullest. And for now that means I'm kinda stuck with letters, and Facebook notes, and blog posts. But eventually, I hope I will get another chance. I understand if that isnt what you believe is best for you. And I completely respect the fact that you probably wouldnt even want to talk to me.

I want to feel like a normal girl. And that means stepping up and walking out the door. I need to grow up. Hiding wont help me at this point. I have a small social circle of freinds. I'm more into the entire 'do something fun' thing. I wanna see a movie! Or I wanna make my cousin carry back and forth between my house and my grandmas house (Which is a hilarious thing to do).

And then, there are other things I refuse. My friend Z. He asked me out. And I feel like a completely awful person for saying no. Because I can't do that to him. Or myself. I'm not ok enough yet to do anything through that door. He cried. I felt so bad. He wanted to take me to prom. And I told him no to that too. As much as I would love to wear a pretty dress and dance around... No. Because I can only think of one person I would go to prom with... Should've gone to prom with... And I want him to know, I am dancing in the rain... :)

Well, in reality...

What would you do if you could not fail? We all know this question right? And why do we ask it if there is no point to it. I mean, if i couldn't fail at anything, life would be easier, but i would never grow as a person. I think at that point the only logical thing worth doing is dying. You could at least start something new that way. Right?

Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is power. That's like an oxymoron right there isn't it? CONFLICTIONS!!! AAAHHHH!!! We have power if we know things, like surviving. Making a fire. Cooking food. But then with power comes the idea of a threat. AH! They could kill me! No. Ignorance on the other hand makes things easier to a point. They dont have to worry about much.

Which part of this is more true? Are they two different sides to the same coin?

I can relate to Bella Swan

Shes transfixed by edward... he loves her. she loves him. Happy story! Not really. Edward breaks up with her to keep her safe... It kills Bella. At first its so surreal. She doesnt believe it. She wanders off looking for him. And gets lost. She is finally found and she is depressed. Devastated. She doesnt know what to do and shes going through the motions.
I lost the most important person in my life. Not the exact same way. but quite similar. Depression and being lost come after the happy lovey part. I do everything i can now. just to get through each day. I fill my schedule up so much that i cry myself to sleep because i'm stressed and mentally exhausted.
other times... I feel ok. its rare. but it happens. like on stage. I am my character and not myself. i dont have to worry about anything, other than getting the fairy queens attention that is.
Every now and then, i forget and i laugh and actually mean it. sometimes, i feel like a normal teenage girl. sometimes, i feel like i have true freinds.
and othertimes, i avoid people because i remember. I fall down on the ground because i didnt realize i was holding my breath. i stay on the floor until i can breathe normally.
But i read your posts because i need to know that you are ok. or something close to ok. and you have your own box. i keep everything you ever gave me in that box. other than the teddy bear who sleeps on my bed and the hoodies. one is in my closet, and the other is hidden in one of my dresser drawers. these are the closest things i have to you. and they mean the world to me.

can we skip to the end of the new moon book? when they are back together?

In Response- All I Ask of You

(Raoul)
No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you

(Christine)
Say you'll love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summer time
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you

[Raoul]
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you

[Christine]
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me

[Raoul]
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you

[Christine]
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you

[Both]
Share each day with me, each night, each morning

[Christine]
Say you love me

This song is posted on here for you. because what it says is true. i meant every word i ever said to you. I still love you. I put this quote on a picture of us. The one were we are sitting at your piano....  Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime. I still mean it now.

Roses

Roses

are a sign of love

Roses

they are special to us

with their bright soft petals

they seduce us with their beauty

their elegance

their sweet fragrance

Roses

with their deep evergreen leaves

they entice us with their intricate-ness

their fragile look

their strong little leaves

Roses

with their murderous hidden thorns

that cut you open

and laugh as you bleed out

I have many roses

from years ago to only last month

i like to place them in a vase

on the shelf

so healthy and happy

and as days go by

they slowly wither, fall apart,

and die

Dead Roses

i remember how pretty you used to be

you silently weep over the side of the vase

wishing you could have been better

I see why roses are a sign of love

with so many complex feelings hidden

in the flower

Dead Roses

death has touched you

like it will me too

But Roses

you had your friends

I dont want to be

alone as i weep

my poor dead roses

Nervous

So, for the Midsummer Nights Dream play my school is doing. I'm a faerie. And i was so excited about it. until I saw my costume... First of all, NO WINGS! What kind of faerie has no wings? 
It's a longsleeved nude leotard.... and I have butterflies on mine. I also have to wear nude tights. and a dark green glittery tutu. So, from the audience, we look naked. Its really awkward.

So, on thursday, opening day, we all  get to wear our costumes during school! Yay! Cuz i totally want to walk around school wiht a butterfly painted on my face and feeling naked. Psych! And even better, I get to roll around on the set and jump on stuff.

Nervous. I've never really been nervous about getting up and doing something in front of complete strangers. I get nervous when I perform for people I know. I feel that their judgement is worth more. So, idk. I'm just really weird.

Two Sides to the Story

In the beggining

there is always hope

and you just never know

I met this boy                                                                          I met this girl

He's definately someone                                                         She is so different

He's handsome and a lot of fun                                       She's so alive and yet so quiet

I can't get him out of my head                                                 She's always in my head

We talked and slowly fell in love                                             I think I might be in love

He met my parents                                                                 She met my parents

that was fun, sort of                                                          They said she was beautiful

His friends dont like me                                                        My friends dont like her

We broke up

I miss his voice                                                                          I miss her laugh

his smell                                                                                   Her smile

How he would hold me                                                             How I used to hold her

Was I not good enough?                                                   Why did I listen to my friends?

I want him back                                                                        I want her back

We talked today

He said he was stupid to leave me                                     I explained how stupid I was

To listen to his friends                                                       I shouldnt listen to friends

He said                                                                           She didnt reply when i said 

He missed me                                                                          I missed her

I was scared he would hurt me again                                        She was sad

He asked me out again                                                          I promised I wouldnt

I told him                                                                                     Ever hurt her

I love you

Its been years                                                                             She is the best

We still love eachother                                                                       part of me

Our love always so clear                                               She shows me who she really is

He shows me that I do have a future worth living                 I still have so much to learn

I said                                                                                       Will you marry me?

I do

Driving.

I'm learning how to drive. Not because I want to, but because my parents want me to. I was driving earlier today and I was driving in circles. Easy right? NOT! There are invisible cars and I swear they are plotting against me. The first time I parked the car it was sort of maybe halfway in the yellow lines. Though I did manage to park twice inside the yellow lines! :)
I was drivng down hill and I hit one of the stupid invible cars and forgot where the break was.... I accidentally hit the gas.... my mom was like, "What the hell are you doing?"
I found the break. Dont worry. No injuries occured.
I was laughing though. I was so scared. but I did take some nice pictures of the car parked in the yellow lines. :)
I tripped when i was getting back into teh car and I told my mom. Then clarified that i didnt trip in the car. We have decided together that I'm not ready to drive with other cars.

Advice

I was given some of the best advice today. It was to be myself. So, I say to you. Be yourself. And that might sound cliche but it really isnt when you've been working so hard toward one thing for three days straight.
I've been taking a class with the Young Americans. And let me just say, they are AMAZING!
I'm a horrible dancer. I can act and sing but not dance. I've learned over 12 different songs and dances in the last two days. Spending hours working on them. And I want to say that I am proud of myself for doing so much when I truly thought I wouldnt be able to do half of what they were going to teach.
Now, back to the advice. When you are sitting on the floor after one of the most emotional dances you've ever done and you know it is perfect because of its imperfections... The best advice is to be yourself.
Its the Circle of Life from the Lion King. And we do this very raw and emotional dance that is so cool because the steps arent at all specific. You create the moves the way you want them. Because it is the story of your life. And when everyones dancing is so different and yet the same, those are the imperfections that make the dance so perfect and graceful and raw. And almost primal at times.
As humans we all have a different story and we are beautiful and perfect in our own way. We cant change who we are because we are still learning who that is. And we are always learning. We will never stop learning.

heart break

I've never been heartbroken before. And I'm not even sure if that is one word or two. But, at somepoint everyone goes through heartbreak right? Its not at all like in the movies. There is no ice cream. You just have to keep going. No matter what. I think the hardest part right now is that I dont want to listen to music. Because music was everything. Im the voiceless singer. At the moment any way.
At first it was so surreal. I was waiting for myself to wake up. I didnt. And then I just spent a long time staring at the wall. I was so confused and lost.
I think boys are a little overrated. So, it'll be a while before I even think of going on a real date.

Poetry

Poetry is such an amazing way to express your self. You can do absolutely anything because of poetic licence. I use poetry alot to express myself and I'm going to start posting  it on here. I will probably post a lot of dark poetry because that is what I have the most of. It helped to get rid of my depression. I thought of myself as a filter and I put the badness on the paper. So, yeah. I just started writing non-depressing poetry. Sorry if you dont like poetry. But I have problems coming up with things to blog about.

I forgot

I'm sorry
I forgot
I only exsist when you need me
I forgot
I'm a nerd because I like school
I forgot
I'm anorexic because I have a high metabolism
I forgot
I'm a slut because I like to dress up
I forgot
I'm fat because I eat all the time
I forgot
that I'm emo because I like to wear skinny jeans and eyeliner
I forgot
I'm weird because I dont do drugs
I forgot
I'm a freak because I'm a unique individual
I forgot
that I'm different because I'm creative and believe in something
I forgot
I'm not perfect because no one is and that includes you
I forgot
I'm not pretty because I dont look like you
I'm sorry
you are such a shallow person
I'm sorry
you dont have your own personality
I'm sorry
you are too scared to be yourself
and I'm sorry I forgot
That I dont care

Faerie Fact

So, being a faerie is hard. You have to be moving all the time. You are probably wondering why I'm blathering about being a faerie. I'm in A Midsummer Nights Dream at my school. I play faerie number two. :) And I love being a faerie because I am very active and strange and i like to climb on things and jump around. I just am not used to doing that for hours at a time.
Though I do get a dark green tutu. :) I love tutus.
I also get my own tree! I love it. I jump up onto it and sit there. I still have to move but its a little less. And i have two lines. One of which is very important. :)
But we faeries just prance around and roll around on the ground. :)

Theatre Moments 1

So, you're sitting around backstage. Waiting to go on. Being bored and chilling. And your freind tells you that the have a dagger in their bag. WHAT!?
So you ask to see it and she hands it to you and you examine it carefully. You comment on its skillfully made handle.
And, i being a completely crazy individual decide to start quoting Shakespeare. I drop to my knees on the floor and say, "Oh Romeo, poison I see hath been his timely end."
And then I stab myself in the chest with the dagger. And i miss. Because i have horrible aim.
And while i'm lying on the floor silently cursing the dagger, the boy i like walks up and is like, "Are you ok?"
What am I supposed to say at this point?!?!?! So i tell him i meant to stab my heart but i missed.
He laughs at me. I give my friend back her dagger and excuse myself.
Its these moments that only happen when you are around theatre friends. :)
And my theatre freinds are amazing.

Yes, I am a geek.

So, I have newly found out about Doctor Who. I love Doctor Who. The Doctor is just amazing because he is so different from most heroes. He doesn't go around wiping out the people he doesnt like, he gives them choices.
The Doctor doesnt die either. He just regenerates. Which is kinda cool.
I like pokemon too. :) My favorite pokemon is entei. :)
What else do i like? starwars, yugioh, neopets, ect.
I am proud to say that I am a geek. :) because i'm not afraid to be me and state what i like.
I like poetry and writing too.
And singing and acting. I've been in 13 theatre productions in 11 years. and I have over 5500 community service hours. This is me.

Bullies

What happened to manners and traditions? People are so rude! Even riding the bus. I'm in highschool and I can't ride the bus without enduring some kind of bullying. It doenst really bother me but I just realized how horrible some people are... And they dont even realize it because they are too lost in their own vanity and problems that they cant see the problems they are causing for other people. It amuses them to put down the kids who aren't afraid to show who they really are.
The real heros are the kids who wont change for any one and who stay strong even through bullying. Take a stand! We are stronger united.

Weather

Why do people talk about the weather? Its not a cool way to start a converation. Why don't people start conversations with something like, "So, I just got ou of school. I was having a great day till Geometry. And then I saw you."
See? Thats so much cooler than "Have you seen the weather?" I mean, I know that sounds alot more proper and all but really.
What are your opinions?
I tell people I only just met about all these cool things I've done... But not really. Then I tell them that never really happened. Its very anticlimactic. :)

Mermaids?

So, my 7 year old little sister wanted me to blog about mermaids. So, here I go... What am I supposed to say? This is a lot harder than I thought.
Hmmm.
Mermaids.
Underwater people.
People that live underwater...
I have nothing.
Ariel was a mermaid. She had a beautiful voice... So, I conclude that mermaids all have pretty voices. Unless, its those mermaid things from Harry Potter. Those are creepy. And they sound like cats that want to be put down because you were carrying them upside down...Maybe that is a slightly strange analogy.
So, are mermaids like dolphins? Do they need to breathe air? Or do they have gills? I'm really curious now. I would like to meet a mermaid at some point. I would ask it what kind of currency they use. Or if they have currency.
And do all memaids have extremely long hair? How do they brush it out? So many mermaid related questions.
Can mermaids read? Or like, write? Idk. And why do mermaids supposably save drowning people? Are they like super territorial? Like, "You don't belong in the water. Get out!" We may never be able to answer these questions.

Sorry I've been gone

Ok, so, I know I've been gone for a long time. But I am apologizing for that right now and tellling you I am a very busy person. My freinds can agree. :) Because, sadly, I cant hang out with them. Now, more important... What will I blog about now?

Now my dear friends, I want to tell you a story. It is a story of a very amazing girl, who has gone through a lot. And her name is Maximum Ride. :) I'm sure you've all heard of her. And if you haven't... Well, I'm sorry. She was raised in a scientific lab. Constantly undergoing tests and other things. She broke out and took her Flock with her. And thus, we have Maximum Ride.

And now sadly, her journey has ended at the 8th book. And I really believe that other readers would like to know what happens next with Max and Fang. I want to know. So,  now, I ask you... Have you read the Maximum Ride series by James Patterson? If not you have missed out on so much... Here they are...

Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment
Maximum Ride: Schools Out Forever
Maximum Ride: Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
Maximum Ride: The Final Warning
Maximum Ride: Max
Maximum Ride: Fang
Maximum Ride: Angel
Maximum Ride: Nevermore

Banned!

I support banned books. I am against banning them. Its called freedom of speech people, you cant just ban books. I want to go and read as many banned books as possible. I'm sure I will learn something. I mean they must be banned for a reason right?
I love writing. I want to write a banned book. I want people to ban my book because it is true in its points. Because it is an amazing book. If you have written a banned book, you've done something right.
Banned books are obviously some of the best and most meaningful and amaziing books. People dont want you to know the truth. They dont want you to think for yourself. They want to be in control and know more than you do.
I say let them ban the books! We will read them! We want to learn the truth. So, get over yourself. And go find out what you can.

High School

I'm not your typical teenage girl. And, on that note here is my opinion on high school.
High School is great! I love the oportunities and choices, more relaxed dress code, and cooler teachers and deffinately cooler events.
But, I can't stand the drama. It belongs on a stage people! NOT IN THE HALL!!!!
Upperclassmen some are nice and some are mean. I dont get it. I mean, I understand that you want to flaunt your authority above the lowerclassmen, but seriously, couldnt you relax a little?
And then, the seemingly mindless students. They follow their little clique leader around doing whatever they think they have to to fit in. THEY ARE LIKE SHEEP!!! If the leader walked off the edge of a cliff the rest would follow! C'mon people! Get a mind! I know you can think.
Cheaters. I hate that. People want to copy my papers because I actually do the work and I cant stand it. Why cant they learn something? It wont kill them. Oh no, it may make them think and we cant have that! Kidding.
Drugees. They come to school high and chew during school. Why? I dont get why anyone would want to hurt their body like that.
Cheerleaders. Granted, I wanted to be one and then changed my mind. They are all one preppy little clique. They all hang out together and are afraid to leave their group.
And then, there is me and my group. We are not afraid to stand out. Or at least I'm not. My friends are to a lesser degree. I mean, I'm a drama freak. I went to school in amish clothes for history extra credit.

Jelly Controversy! (Grape vs. Strawberry)

So, everyone has a favorite jelly they like to use on their peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. And the most popular jellies are Grape and Strawberry. This is the great jelly controversy. This is an age old argument. For centuries people have been having wars over the controversy of jelly flavor. Ok, so, maybe I went a little over board. But, to some people this is an important topic. Like, my dad perfers grape jelly. While the rest of my family likes strawberry. So, what do you say? Grape or Strawberry???